Friday, December 31, 2010

Alanis Morissette

I had forgotten how much I miss her. Not zen, buddhist, married, well adjusted, new mom Alanis but edgy, angry, angsty oh so vocal Alanis.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Last Day

At 1:38 today I turned off the light in my office and walked out. Prior to that I had walked around and said my goodbyes and remained resolutely cheerful and dignified. No tears. Not until I looked out my window at the view of the river and at my desk completely denuded of all my personal touches, like the feathered stripper shoe pen and teapot collection. Suddenly it became a moment of lasts- last time turning out the light, last time in the elevator (which went straight from our floor to the lobby- an almost unheard of circumstance), last time pulling out of the garage...ugh.

If you don't stop and think about things you can move through them without much pain. It's when you slow down that it can hurt. I'm going to stop thinking until January 3rd. Right now it is the holidays and there are presents to open, places to go, food to eat and a helluva lot of wine to drink. For that I'm grateful and as dear old Scarlett said, "After all, tomorrow is another day."

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Not what I wanted to hear

Walking back from lunch last week I turned an expectant eye to the corner where the little horse is always tethered waiting but he was gone. I tried to take the zen path and smile knowing his owner had reclaimed him or moved him to a spot where he was needed more but inside I knew that whatever universe I inhabited was going to implode.

One hour later that was confirmed when I went in for my yearly review (fully prepped with the top 5 projects I’d like to focus on in 2011) only to hear that despite my being such a great gal and hard worker fully acclimated to the needs of the organization to the point of being prescient the goddamn SEC was going to cost them so much money they could not afford to employ me any longer.

I can’t speak for anyone else (but I’d love to hear from those who have gone through it) but I did not react in the way I would have hoped. No crying, cursing or screaming. I saw Up in the Air! I know what you're supposed to do but did I? No. In fact when the schmuck who handled the matter hugged me I patted his back because he made me feel bad for him! What kind of fucked up training is that? I’m pretty sure there is no man on the planet who gets laid off and hugs the axeman.  But a woman does. Cuz she’s been raised to be polite. 

I didn't show anger until I got home and threw a roll of Christmas wrapping paper at my husband (Target was on the way and rage shopping is always fun) but it passed quickly. In fact I got all new agey and decided to wrap presents and do a load of laundry to try and make something positive out of such massive shittiness.

Anger passed and then depression and self loathing moved in. Two of my favorite tenants because they’re quiet. They’re also relatively easy to hide so you don’t inconvenience anyone else. Kind of like the time in college going to a basketball game in a crowded car (5 people in a Miatta) when my hand got closed in the door and I rode that way to the arena because I knew everyone was uncomfortable and pulling over to open the door would take extra time. Take that to your shrink!

Past events I need to share with my therapist aside this feels bad. Really really bad. I was given until the 24th (last day office is open before Christmas break) and while I certainly need every dollar, going in and making nice, being gracious and exhibiting a professionalism and dignity I do not feel is killing me. It’s exacerbated by the fact that I can’t even melt down when I get home because my stepson is visiting and the last thing my battered ego needs is for him to go back to his psycho bitch mother and tell her I am unemployed. So I lie and smile from the time I get up until I go to bed.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin

I just read that Gosselin was going to be on an episode of Palin's show and could only marvel at how once again nature has prevailed with a perfect pairing. Like flies and shit.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Christy Turlington

Is anyone else as pleased as I am that this unique beauty is back in the fashion pages? 41 and she is still gorgeous.

Almost makes me wish I had the money to buy whatever she is selling (and I do mean the Louis Vuitton necklace below).

from Harper's Bazaar, Nov 2010

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Multiple Sclerosis and Reality TV Part 2

Back to the seamier side of reality TV and my favorite disease- MS.

In the spirit of saving the best for last how about the plastic twit on the Real Housewives of DC? Her case makes me nuts because there is no proof of her having the disease; it was only introduced by her and her toad-like grifter husband when they were pinned against the wall regarding their actions at the White House a year ago. The majority of what she says about the disease is completely inaccurate but some multiple sclerosis organizations are now paying her to appear at their fundraisers. WTF??!!!!! There are loads of real people out there who hold down real jobs, raise real families and deal with real disability so why give exposure to some haggard idiot with a track record of lying about every single detail of her life? This is already a highly misunderstood disease (it’s NOT muscular dystrophy and it’s not like diabetes) so anything or anyone that hinders its credibility and understanding is something that will piss me off mightily.

What is just as appalling (if not more so) is that both of these horrors use her disease as justification for their behavior. On a Q&A show when questions about their finances and ongoing lawsuits grew too pointed and their nonsensical answers of “people are so mean” brought no relief the husband finally starting shouting, “She has MS. She has MS!!” 

Aaaahhhh….I get it now. Having MS means you can lie, cheat and steal with impunity. It’s the ultimate get out of jail free card in the monopoly game of life. So why didn’t my neurologist tell me this when I got my diagnosis? And why isn’t it mentioned in the multiple sclerosis club handbook?

This woman is an affront to anyone with any disability. Our government has way more important things to worry about but surely some lower level dept of justice personnel could be indicting her botoxed, badly bleached, fake tanned, scrawny ass for intruding on a WH event. AND messing with people with MS. And that’s enough about that.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Role Reversal?

Is anyone else experiencing any of the issues they used to deal with as a small child? Lately I've been bewildered on several occasions by forgetting to zip my pants.

And please don't remind me of the circle of life by pointing out I'll be in diapers again at some point.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Multiple Sclerosis and Reality TV Part 1

The following will build to an unmitigated rant so if you have a weak stomach or are sitting next to a small child move on to the next blog. No wait, don’t do that, please! Just let me vent because I don’t do it often and sometimes I really need to. Tell yourself that by reading this you are stopping me from driving a busload of kittens and bunnies over a cliff while eating far too much chocolate.

Please explain to me what feels like a sudden onslaught of women on reality TV who have MS and use it as an excuse for their bad, irresponsible, stupid (and sometimes illegal) behavior.

Let’s start with the mother on the show Downsized. I have no doubt this woman has MS but she seems to be playing as fast and loose with her treatment and understanding of the disease as she did with her finances (hence bankruptcy and 2 foreclosures). Don’t get me wrong- I have a modicum of sympathy for her situation because lots of people bought on credit and now it sucks to be them. But in all the episodes and discussions of her MS- including an entire episode about her MRI –she makes no mention of taking any of the disease modifying drugs despite having health insurance. Instead the only mention of any treatment she makes is that she MUST drink lots of Starbucks coffee to keep the fatigue away. WTF? Yes, fatigue is a big part of MS but there are drugs (that only cost $25 or less a month) specifically to treat fatigue and Starbucks ain’t one of them. Any legitimate neurologist (or PCP) has to have told her that caffeine is a stimulant that can cause more damage for people with CNS disorders because it stimulates your system temporarily. Then you crash. IT IS NOT A SOLUTION FOR MS. 

Oh and the fact that this woman does nothing more for her MS then get MRIs every 6 months is highly specious. Does she think she's serving the MS community by not talking about injections? Because they're painful and have unpleasant side effects? It's ludicrous, insulting and incredibly irresponsible. The drugs suck but they are the only options out there so you take them. Instead, she runs around being thin and tan making a difficult to understand disease more confusing to anyone watching. It's NOT fun, it's NOT without its effects, and even if you are wearing shorty shorts and tank tops and refusing to take drugs it is working it's way through your brain and spinal cord.

Deep breath. I’m going to take a Xanax and come back to this later.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


If I have to defriend everyone I know who buys a Kindle I'll be running a deficit by the end of the year.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

My Favorite Pony

Mostly I'm going to let you think whatever you want about my photos but this one (for me) is just too sweet to pass up without a comment.

This little guy is tethered to the curb in downtown PDX. Quietly waiting for his owner to come back.

Stalwart and whimsical- an almost impossible combination in today's world.

It makes me happy every time I go by.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Mom and Doris Day

I first started getting interested in blogs when I discovered Dooce © while living in Utah. Here was a funny quirky woman who lived in the same state I did but instead of being made miserable by it she broke out. 
Beyond being crazy funny what really won me over was the fact that Heather swore in her posts and KNEW that her parents read them (I’m covering my mouth in horrified glee even as writing this). It was beyond scary and thrilling at the same time- like the first time on a roller coaster or smoking dope or stealing something- take your pick.
Could I be that daring? Let’s see.
15 years ago and my mother and I were indulging in our favorite pastime- watching old movies. This time it was Doris Day in Midnight Lace which I highly recommend as being one of the few of hers that is dramatic as opposed to comedic. Doris’ acting aside it is her wardrobe that is memorable- classic, timeless, chic (see below).

I digress. There is a very scary scene in which Doris is in danger. My mother is lying on the family sofa and I am on my dad’s recliner slightly behind her. We’re both leaning forward with tension and without thinking I murmur, “Oh she’s fucked.” Long loooonnnnggg pause (during which I stop breathing) and then a slow swiveling of my mother’s head. I won’t swear to it but I’m almost certain there are tears in her eyes as she whispers, “Oh, Cathy, I am so disappointed to hear you talk like that.”
Which is why, with the exception of the f bomb above, I won’t be able to swear (much) in this blog. Guilt is the greatest motivator out there.


Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving This Year

As last year's Thanksgiving involved tears, drunkeness (not my own so not that interesting), hysteria, lies, and possible hospitalization (again not my own so definitely not as interesting) I will only say that getting up this morning to completely sanitize my bathroom right down to getting 6 months worth of soap scum off the glass shower doors felt downright exhilerating. And the epitome of giving thanks.

With the exception of a Godfather marathon on AMC. Now that's Thanksgiving!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Things I Miss

It’s a sunny Saturday afternoon and I’m rewarding myself with lunch at P.F. Changs after having to deal with a fashion disaster (the whole bootie thing went horribly wrong but that’s for another time). It’s only after I put down my magazine when my food arrives that I look around and realize that something is very wrong.
Almost every other table is filled with women. Two friends and their young children. A group of college girls sans boyfriends. A trio of older women who toast themselves with mojitos. Women laughing and leaning towards each other, confiding, observing, commiserating, gossiping.
I’m alone. More importantly, I am lonely.
I’m happily married living in a fun city with lots to do but I’m without the people who will go to the chick flicks, yoga classes, happy hours and malls with me.

Moving to Portland was a great and necessary thing. I didn’t like living in UT and being unemployed made me like it even less. To finally get a job in a place like Portland was good news all the way around.

Except. Except for the one thing I had that was better there than any of the other places I’ve lived. Girlfriends. Lots of fabulous women of all personalities and interests. I had book club friends, tennis friends, yoga friends, movie friends, and shopping friends. I had 'discuss the same things about our relationships over and over again' friends! And I’m a freaking introvert!

To anyone single who may read this and think I’m a whiner because I’m married I’ll only say that even the best of men cannot (and would not want to) replace good friends. I simply don’t buy that ‘my husband is my best friend’ crap. He may be but do you really want to talk to him about bloating, how you have no eyebrows left but still need to wax every week, your emotional temperature? And does he want to hear it? NO. I won’t go into my beliefs about marital sharing right now but I will say that it is a very wise man who knows that he has his wife’s heart but that she still needs her girls.

So I eat sadly and quickly, pay my check and crack open my fortune cookie. Your judgment is off at this time. Rely on friends. And I really want to cry.
A shout out to some of the best wackiest smartest funniest most caring group of women I’ve ever known: Nicole, MJ, Shuree, Laura, Tina, Jacque, Alisyn, Kristin, Rebecca, Stephanie, Jennifer and Laurie. We have phone, email and FB but it is simply not the same.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Aspire: Audrey Hepburn

Audrey Hepburn in all her timeless perfection.
from Special Photographer by Leo Fuchs
Let's get it out there now- I idolize her. She is the epitome of class and style and there will likely be more photos of her to come because I have never seen one that I did not think was breathtaking So get over it because you know I'm right. 

Monday, November 15, 2010


Going to bed angry at your partner is not good but annoyed is OK.

Sunday, November 14, 2010


Note to Iman: putting a stop punch emphasis on every other word does not make you sound authoritative it makes you sound stilted and weird. And not in that 'I was just discovered in Somalia and have only been in the U.S. for 20 minutes' way which you should have outgrown 30 years ago but in a way much more artificial- fierce but not in a good way. You're judging clothes not getting ready to invade Poland- so stop it! If Teutonic hottie Heidi Klum can relax and laugh so can you.

Which is the crux of the matter. Fashion Show is no more than methadone to a Project Runway junkie. A weak substitute even though I adore Isaac Mizrahi (which is why I simply won't do a comparison between him and Tim Gunn. Despite their Liz Claiborne/work issues, I love them both!).

Amend that. I ADORE Tim Gunn. If I could have one day with him to go through my wardrobe, fly to NYC, go shopping, have a cocktail and nice supper it would be one of the happiest days of my life. And I would look fabulous! I'm also pretty sure my husband has a man crush on him.

Unfortunately, it will be six months before the next Runway season which means I'm pinning my hopes on Top Chef AllStars as my next competition reality show fix. Completely different industry but food is also a passion and it's one of those TV things DH ("dear husband" as he shall be referred to from now on unless I'm mad at him when I write) and I can share which is always good. Still, I miss Tim and Heidi.

To close with some completely unwarranted pridefulness there is also the fact that the last 3 PR winners were from Portland (Vancouver is right across the bridge). As if I had anything to do with it but I will get all uppity about it.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

The B Word

What is up with "booties"? Why the infantilizing of a grown woman’s shoe? Are we meant to be kept as children despite our footwear? Surely someone in either the marketing or design department could have come up with something sexier or for god’s sake at least a bit more grown-up. Do I really want to go into Nordstrom’s shoe department and ask for a bootie? NO NO NO.

p.s. I gave up wearing booties when I got my first pair of Mary Janes.

But what about this sassiness from Nine West?

Or this updated classic from Talbot’s? That I could wear with almost every single pant and skirt in my wardrobe. Am I really going to make an entire genre of shoe suffer because some idiot (99% certain it’s a man) gave them a stupid name? Damnit!!!!!

Crisis averted. The Talbot's Ara (above) is known as a ghillie not that other word. My local Talbot's didn't have a pair so I am on the phone like a junkie in search of a high- which in a way I am. And when some lovely lady in NJ does indeed confirm that they have the shoe (in cognac- the best neutral out there) am I as happy as if I'd just won the Pulitzer? HELL YEAH!!!

The moral of this story is that even when I am violently opposed to something I think it is important to try and get along. Oh, and support the economy.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Standard Time

12 hours in bed thanks to the time change- the only one of which I approve.

The spring nonsense must be stopped. 

Saturday, November 6, 2010


So far my ability to put words of any worth out there is appalling. I blame it on all the bad TV that is shoved down my throat every minute I'm not at work. It's not my fault. If you're going to re-run Legally Blonde, Miss Congeniality, Casino, Two Weeks Notice and their ilk I am going to have to watch. Don't even get me started on the Real Housewives and reality TV! The cable execs should be ashamed of themselves. If not for them I would be a real published author by now, fer sure.

Having said that, I have no shame- here is a picture of something sparkly and pretty to distract you from my lack of substance.

Isn't it fabulous?! I got it for my birthday. Someone far more artistic than me goes to estate sales, buys old jewelry, and turns it into charming fun bracelets. It's hard to see but there is even a little butterfly on the middle flower. Almost too pretty to wear!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Why Do This?

Because the voices in my head needed somewhere to go.

OK, that sounds a bit more psycho than I meant. Mostly my voices want to go shopping, eat chocolate or watch bad TV so don't be afraid. This will be fun, really.
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