Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Not what I wanted to hear

Walking back from lunch last week I turned an expectant eye to the corner where the little horse is always tethered waiting but he was gone. I tried to take the zen path and smile knowing his owner had reclaimed him or moved him to a spot where he was needed more but inside I knew that whatever universe I inhabited was going to implode.

One hour later that was confirmed when I went in for my yearly review (fully prepped with the top 5 projects I’d like to focus on in 2011) only to hear that despite my being such a great gal and hard worker fully acclimated to the needs of the organization to the point of being prescient the goddamn SEC was going to cost them so much money they could not afford to employ me any longer.

I can’t speak for anyone else (but I’d love to hear from those who have gone through it) but I did not react in the way I would have hoped. No crying, cursing or screaming. I saw Up in the Air! I know what you're supposed to do but did I? No. In fact when the schmuck who handled the matter hugged me I patted his back because he made me feel bad for him! What kind of fucked up training is that? I’m pretty sure there is no man on the planet who gets laid off and hugs the axeman.  But a woman does. Cuz she’s been raised to be polite. 

I didn't show anger until I got home and threw a roll of Christmas wrapping paper at my husband (Target was on the way and rage shopping is always fun) but it passed quickly. In fact I got all new agey and decided to wrap presents and do a load of laundry to try and make something positive out of such massive shittiness.

Anger passed and then depression and self loathing moved in. Two of my favorite tenants because they’re quiet. They’re also relatively easy to hide so you don’t inconvenience anyone else. Kind of like the time in college going to a basketball game in a crowded car (5 people in a Miatta) when my hand got closed in the door and I rode that way to the arena because I knew everyone was uncomfortable and pulling over to open the door would take extra time. Take that to your shrink!

Past events I need to share with my therapist aside this feels bad. Really really bad. I was given until the 24th (last day office is open before Christmas break) and while I certainly need every dollar, going in and making nice, being gracious and exhibiting a professionalism and dignity I do not feel is killing me. It’s exacerbated by the fact that I can’t even melt down when I get home because my stepson is visiting and the last thing my battered ego needs is for him to go back to his psycho bitch mother and tell her I am unemployed. So I lie and smile from the time I get up until I go to bed.

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