Sunday, June 19, 2011

Father's Day Again

It’s back. Why? He’s gone.

He was gone before I even knew it. Gone before he knew it. Coming off the lake after a perfect day of fishing with his best friends. Did he have even a moment to know what his death would do? What sorrow, pain, chaos, and disorder it would bring? I hope not and yet, being the man he was, I think as the last synapse fired he felt worry knowing what he was leaving behind and that none of his children were prepared to handle it. He would never have wished for such a burden to fall to us just as it should never have fallen to him. But it did. To all of us.

So we were left. All our lives turned inside out by such a train wreck as we could not imagine. By the time my life was my own again it was too late to grieve. Only one person got to grieve and they used up all the grief in the room.

Instead of grief I am left with some awful permutation of sorrow and rage. The horrible aftermath crowds my mind until he is a bit player in his own death. I know I have to find my way back but until that time I’ll just focus very hard and write five things about him I know to be true and that made him the man I called Dad. How I wish I could call him now.

©     Never met a bowl of popcorn he didn’t like
©     He believed I could do or be whatever I set my mind to (gave me a copy of Zig Ziglar’s See You at the Top when I finished college)
©     Was universally respected by the people he worked with and for- even when they didn’t agree
©     Was one of the best extemporaneous speakers I’ve ever heard. Weddings, funerals- he hit the perfect note every time (despite referring to me as the Edsel at our rehearsal dinner)
©     Made sure that we had a family vacation every summer


Popcorn, Pugs & Peonies said...

This is such a sad and beautiful post. I am so sorry for your loss.

Catherine said...

Thank you. It was two years ago and I had hoped I would be in better shape but obviously, there are things that remain unsorted...

Abby said...

I know you just sent me this link, but I actually read it when it was posted. Because I don't have a relationship with my dad, I didn't have much to say without sounding lame.

This is a beautiful post, and although I'm sorry for your loss and the pain that you still feel, I am envious of the love and admiration that you both shared. Take comfort in those facts, as I'm sure there a million and five you could add.

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