Friday, December 21, 2012

Endorphins or Epiphany- Your Choice

First off, an apology. My poor blog has been dormant for far too long. Of course, I have an excuse, who doesn’t these days? For the last two years I’ve struggled with issues of identity and employment, what is my purpose, who am I supposed to be, and what do I want to do when I grow up. In the last month my personal situation has been compounded by additional trials that have left both J and I feeling quite Job-like. I simply couldn’t write about it, and still have no intention of going into the details, because there is nothing for anyone to say. The inside of my mind is much like the underside of our couch—covered in dust, with fearsome unidentifiable things hiding in the dark. And I know this because I had to look under there for a pita chip that fell out of my mouth. It’s not pretty and does not need to be shared, especially as the bleakness I feel is echoed by recent events in our nation. There is much that simply does not make sense and for which there are no answers. 

Given all that, I decided that if the Mayans were right and the world was ending today I ought to at least exercise before being eradicated. The pool has been an almost mystical source of relief for me, when I’m not sharing a lane with a middle-aged overweight man in a Speedo who thinks he’s Michael Phelps and tries to do the butterfly, thereby washing me into the next lane. Much like the underside of my couch this is not pretty and no one should be subjected to it but until I have my own pool, there you are. I went with full knowledge that it could be crazy crowded or if I were supremely blessed, deserted. It fell somewhere in between and I got into a lane next to a kindly grandmother wearing scuba goggles and a green swim cap with petals on it. As I took my first strokes my motion through the water required no effort. I simply glided without exertion and felt my entire body expand and release. It was glorious and as I continued I was suddenly hit by these thoughts. Literally, they popped into my brain and all the other noise fell silent. 
Today is the end of the world. It is the end of an era. It is the end of me as I have been. My life right now is filled with nothing but uncertainty but I can control me. No matter how bad things get I can still be kind and gracious and open. If I believe that we all have a unique gift and our life is to be an expression of that gift then I have to stay open to receiving it. A closed fearful mind lets nothing in. So, I’m finished with the mud, the catatonia, the stupor. I have to keep trying and be as kind to myself as I wish to be to others. Events are going to unfold and they may be worse than anything I imagined but I’m already in that place and it’s not where I can live. There is a new world for me. I have absolutely no idea what it holds but I can continue to work on myself and be grateful for all the loving and caring people I have in my life. 
Endorphins or epiphany—who knows? I may eat my Chipotle burrito for lunch and lapse back into torpor but even the fact that I have put these words out there; that my heart and my head needed to express them means there is a kernel of truth in what I’m saying. Today is the end of the world and tomorrow will be better.
 
 

2 comments:

Sarah said...

I'm wishing you a little happiness in each day from now on Catherine.

It's so good to see you here.

Happy Christmas xx

Abby said...

I'm not in your particular situation, but your words still ring very true. I swing from that optimism and Zen Buddhist "being" back to being depressed and frustrated about where I am, why I can't find something to use my talents or bring me peace and why it seems so easy for "everyone else."

But this is a great reminder, and I wish you peace and happiness in 2013. It's really all we can do ;)

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