It’s back. Why? He’s gone.
He was gone before I even knew it. Gone before he knew it. Coming off the lake after a perfect day of fishing with his best friends. Did he have even a moment to know what his death would do? What sorrow, pain, chaos, and disorder it would bring? I hope not and yet, being the man he was, I think as the last synapse fired he felt worry knowing what he was leaving behind and that none of his children were prepared to handle it. He would never have wished for such a burden to fall to us just as it should never have fallen to him. But it did. To all of us.
So we were left. All our lives turned inside out by such a train wreck as we could not imagine. By the time my life was my own again it was too late to grieve. Only one person got to grieve and they used up all the grief in the room.
Instead of grief I am left with some awful permutation of sorrow and rage. The horrible aftermath crowds my mind until he is a bit player in his own death. I know I have to find my way back but until that time I’ll just focus very hard and write five things about him I know to be true and that made him the man I called Dad. How I wish I could call him now.
© Never met a bowl of popcorn he didn’t like
© He believed I could do or be whatever I set my mind to (gave me a copy of Zig Ziglar’s See You at the Top when I finished college)
© Was universally respected by the people he worked with and for- even when they didn’t agree
© Was one of the best extemporaneous speakers I’ve ever heard. Weddings, funerals- he hit the perfect note every time (despite referring to me as the Edsel at our rehearsal dinner)
© Made sure that we had a family vacation every summer